Well shit…I haven’t written a fucking word on this page in forfuckingever

And I can pretty much guarantee none of you really gave a shit that I have been gone for so long, fuck I don’t even care that I haven’t written in forever. I mean, I write every day, but I completely forgot about this blog. Oh well…fuck it, may as well pick up from where I’m at now.

So…I quit graduate school.

Yeah that happened. Couldn’t manage to pass the required quantitative methods course the second time around, so I dropped out right after failing (impressively, I might add) that particular exam for the second year in a row.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

However, I have been looking for employment for approximately a month, maybe more, and have had no luck.

Fuck.

I’m Back!

After an extended absence from writing here, I have returned. I doubt anyone cared or noticed, but I do apologize to anyone who may have!

The semester ended with more of a whimper than a bang, and after drinking my own disappointment and making my best attempt to celebrate the accomplishments (in one class, in all other aspects of my first semester of graduate school I am largely proud of my performance) of my peers all in the same night and failing miserably, I returned to my childhood home for a some much needed R & R and promptly slept for the majority of the time I was there. Now, having returned to the university, and more importantly my own house, I am refreshed and have new ideas for things to write about.

As I am sure many of you are aware of, and may have dealt with yourself, the weather in pretty much the entire United States is absolute shit. A polar vortex has descended upon almost the entirety of the country (and contrary to the beliefs of some imbeciles does not, in any way controvert global warming) and snarled up air travel a good bit…

Anyway, after a long two days of travel I finally arrived home and got back to living my life. 

When I lived at in New York (which is where I grew up, I forget whether or not I’ve mentioned that), I was a complete neurotic mess;  I couldn’t go out in public without having ingested a benzodiazepine. Now, however, in my midwestern haven, I seem to have become something of a social person and have, in fact, had two very successful casual dating experiences (after having been a serial monogamist, despite my best efforts). 

This has turned into a post about nothing, with the exception of that last paragraph-type-thing or two, anyone who may have some insight as to why I seem to have completely changed my way of living, please share?

First semester is in the books.

At long last finals weeks has come to an end. The worst of the worst was on the last day of the week, quant. All week long I’ve been binging on caffeine to supplement my usual adderall dosages; sleep has been hard to come by. Which isn’t a bad thing obviously, I mean, I did need the time to study, but having your heart race for the majority of the day and night was not always the most comfortable thing. Now I can just sit back and relax and enjoy the break.

Really…really…come on now!

The amount of people who wound up doing poorly in the class I TA is absolutely astounding! It is a drugs and behavior class! DRUGS! Come on children, you’re big kids now. Class wasn’t that early, you can make it on time, be present for assignments and such. A CLASS ON GOD DAMNED DRUGS! Literally the most interesting undergrad class offered.

CDC: 6% of teens take psychotropic drugs

I’m wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this? Personally, I see this as the result of increased disconnection and detachment from a society where even your best isn’t good enough. Teens these days are feeling an incredible amount of pressure to not only fit in but to excel; two things which are often diametrically opposed in the harsh elements of the teenage social atmosphere.

Pharmaceutical Bomb Squads

Pharmaceutically diffusing internal tensions, neuroses, anxieties, fears, and general mental discomfort for well, I don’t know and don’t care enough to look up the information and provide a citation. Mere moments ago I was straightjacketed by anxiety over the amount of studying I need to do for my finals and excessive worries over my status as a graduate student and being able to pay rent, and now….thanks to modern medicine….everything is like a dream and life is like a cloud.

Asking Questions

“How are you?”

I’m here. 

“No, I mean, how are you doing?” 

Doing in what?

“…life?”

Just fine I guess, I’m a professional student now studying all that stuff I always thought was the most fascinating shit in the world. It still is to some extent; but there are miles and miles of shit you gotta trudge through to get to a point at which you feel good about the progress you’ve made. 

I mean, its a constant battle. Uphill even. Somedays I don’t think I’ve got what it takes other days I feel fine.

I guess I can’t answer the how am I doing chit chat because I don’t even really know how I am doing at the moment. 

Your life is a lie.

You, your life, your house, your car, your money, your ego, all of it

none of it exists.

it isn’t real

and neither

are you

nor

am I

Searching for a Meaning? Why?

I’m going to lay this out there. Those people who are searching ceaselessly for some meaning in life, are wasting their time. The truth, the one and only absolutely objective truth, is that there is no meaning to life; no purpose, no reason to exist, we just do. A consequence of astrophysical events that allowed the earth to congeal out of the molten space matter created by the explosion of a previously existing star; possibly extinguishing “intelligent life” that had previously circled it in a cosmic ellipse of doom. 

All I am saying people is give up this illusion of control, delusions of personal value; the idea that you somehow matter more than the asshole next to you. 

I used to believe that there was some sort of truth, or at least field of study, founded on truth, objectivity that I could go into, and find meaning in that. What I’ve found however, is that my chosen field is just as profit seeking, predatorily capitalistic, and so bereft of objectivity that the shield of anonymity is a necessity in offering honest critique on another’s work. 

“All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie”

This absolute absence of truth is why people need things like god and love; because they are weak. They need that promise of some higher purpose or meaningfulness, and so they engage the cognitive opiates of religion or the pursuit of love. Neither of which actually exist, the latter merely being an exhibition of the human mind’s innately utilitarianism. These things obscure the objective truth and soften its blow upon the realization; which I imagine most people only come to upon the occasion of their final breath. You are born alone, you die alone, and in the middle you are a blind fool if you don’t feel lonely. 

First Impressions Don't Mean A Goddamn Thing

So…you’ve managed to find yourself reading something I’ve written; that’s nice. If you’ve made it this far, I’m shocked. Why would you care what I have to say? I’m not anyone “important” shit, I’m not even very relevant to anything or most anyone at all. My thoughts and opinions don’t really matter, no one’s do; not in this country at least. So why would I take the time to write them out and transmit my thoughts to you the reader? Honestly, I do not have a goddamn clue. Well, I do, but chances are you are too fucking blind to understand my reasoning. First of all, if you think you matter at all in the grand scheme of things, which is what the good ol’ U.S. of A has become, a grand scheme, then chances are you are probably already lost to the machine. 

For anyone who reads this and agrees whole-heartedly with everything I have to say: fuck you, find your agency, your autonomy, shit liberate your morality from the systematic conformity that causes even the non-conformists to conform, and get your own mind, have your own thoughts, ask your own questions. If you are one these people, this page isn’t for you.

If you think I’m dead wrong, you might belong here, and if you can pick and choose things from what I say that you agree with to some degree, alright, you can stay. 

Open your eyes people. It’s now or never, something’s gotta give, and we been givin’ more than we’ll ever get back in return; all in the name of patriotism, and allegiance to the flag. First of all, patriotism is fucking stupid, it was a genetic accident that you were born wherever it so happens you popped out of your mother screaming and squirming and little bundle of joy with no ability to comprehend exactly how fucked up, predetermined, and pointless your fucking existence will be. 

Slaves to the dollar. Working solemnly to reproduce capitalism, which, is the new slavery. Slaves to the almighty dollar. You go to church, believe in god? Does your church ask you to “give what you can”? Sure as shit they do. I bet they follow that up with sermons and teachings of how your belief of god is the right way to believe in god. There is no god, no grand plan, you fucking cowards are just to afraid to realize that your life is it, there is nothing greater than what you know now. Life is a bitch, torturous, arduous, un-rewarding, back breaking, and burdensome, and to find out there is no set of pearly gates to walk through or that there aren’t a number of virgins waiting to suck your cock and allow you to dehumanize them with a fat wad to the face, well that’s just too much to take. What’s the point in all the risk of life if there ain’t a reward. 

I’m sorry to say, there is no point. Everything is random, a function of the cosmic chaos that defines time. You care more about yourself than anyone, everyone does, its only natural, so don’t hide that innate selfishness, don’t cover it up by making tax deductible charitable donations. Hang your head and continue your pursuit of the dollar. We all wind up the same, we all die alone, and we all return to being specs of dust blowing through the wind, returning to the cosmic detritus of the universe, our original state. 

None of this means anything.