At long last finals weeks has come to an end. The worst of the worst was on the last day of the week, quant. All week long I’ve been binging on caffeine to supplement my usual adderall dosages; sleep has been hard to come by. Which isn’t a bad thing obviously, I mean, I did need the time to study, but having your heart race for the majority of the day and night was not always the most comfortable thing. Now I can just sit back and relax and enjoy the break.
Pharmaceutically diffusing internal tensions, neuroses, anxieties, fears, and general mental discomfort for well, I don’t know and don’t care enough to look up the information and provide a citation. Mere moments ago I was straightjacketed by anxiety over the amount of studying I need to do for my finals and excessive worries over my status as a graduate student and being able to pay rent, and now….thanks to modern medicine….everything is like a dream and life is like a cloud.
“How are you?”
“No, I mean, how are you doing?”
Doing in what?
Just fine I guess, I’m a professional student now studying all that stuff I always thought was the most fascinating shit in the world. It still is to some extent; but there are miles and miles of shit you gotta trudge through to get to a point at which you feel good about the progress you’ve made.
I mean, its a constant battle. Uphill even. Somedays I don’t think I’ve got what it takes other days I feel fine.
I guess I can’t answer the how am I doing chit chat because I don’t even really know how I am doing at the moment.
So…you’ve managed to find yourself reading something I’ve written; that’s nice. If you’ve made it this far, I’m shocked. Why would you care what I have to say? I’m not anyone “important” shit, I’m not even very relevant to anything or most anyone at all. My thoughts and opinions don’t really matter, no one’s do; not in this country at least. So why would I take the time to write them out and transmit my thoughts to you the reader? Honestly, I do not have a goddamn clue. Well, I do, but chances are you are too fucking blind to understand my reasoning. First of all, if you think you matter at all in the grand scheme of things, which is what the good ol’ U.S. of A has become, a grand scheme, then chances are you are probably already lost to the machine.
For anyone who reads this and agrees whole-heartedly with everything I have to say: fuck you, find your agency, your autonomy, shit liberate your morality from the systematic conformity that causes even the non-conformists to conform, and get your own mind, have your own thoughts, ask your own questions. If you are one these people, this page isn’t for you.
If you think I’m dead wrong, you might belong here, and if you can pick and choose things from what I say that you agree with to some degree, alright, you can stay.
Open your eyes people. It’s now or never, something’s gotta give, and we been givin’ more than we’ll ever get back in return; all in the name of patriotism, and allegiance to the flag. First of all, patriotism is fucking stupid, it was a genetic accident that you were born wherever it so happens you popped out of your mother screaming and squirming and little bundle of joy with no ability to comprehend exactly how fucked up, predetermined, and pointless your fucking existence will be.
Slaves to the dollar. Working solemnly to reproduce capitalism, which, is the new slavery. Slaves to the almighty dollar. You go to church, believe in god? Does your church ask you to “give what you can”? Sure as shit they do. I bet they follow that up with sermons and teachings of how your belief of god is the right way to believe in god. There is no god, no grand plan, you fucking cowards are just to afraid to realize that your life is it, there is nothing greater than what you know now. Life is a bitch, torturous, arduous, un-rewarding, back breaking, and burdensome, and to find out there is no set of pearly gates to walk through or that there aren’t a number of virgins waiting to suck your cock and allow you to dehumanize them with a fat wad to the face, well that’s just too much to take. What’s the point in all the risk of life if there ain’t a reward.
I’m sorry to say, there is no point. Everything is random, a function of the cosmic chaos that defines time. You care more about yourself than anyone, everyone does, its only natural, so don’t hide that innate selfishness, don’t cover it up by making tax deductible charitable donations. Hang your head and continue your pursuit of the dollar. We all wind up the same, we all die alone, and we all return to being specs of dust blowing through the wind, returning to the cosmic detritus of the universe, our original state.
None of this means anything.