I Don’t Know

I don’t know why I did it. I really don’t. I have no reason. My behavior is inexplicable. I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. The worst part though is that I hurt her.

On the day it all went wrong. When she discovered what I had done, I was distraught. I knew as I know now that I would never see her again. It broke me. And broken I remain. She was right when she wrote to me that I had some serious fucking issues, because I do.

I don’t know if it is luck or not, but the fact that I am capable of writing today is amazing…I tried to harm myself that day because I could not bare to look at myself in the mirror and I still can’t.

I don’t expect that she will ever forgive me, and she has every right to hate me forever. I just wish she knew how sorry I am that I threw away what we had for something that meant absolutely nothing.

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Well shit…I haven’t written a fucking word on this page in forfuckingever

And I can pretty much guarantee none of you really gave a shit that I have been gone for so long, fuck I don’t even care that I haven’t written in forever. I mean, I write every day, but I completely forgot about this blog. Oh well…fuck it, may as well pick up from where I’m at now.

So…I quit graduate school.

Yeah that happened. Couldn’t manage to pass the required quantitative methods course the second time around, so I dropped out right after failing (impressively, I might add) that particular exam for the second year in a row.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

However, I have been looking for employment for approximately a month, maybe more, and have had no luck.

Fuck.

Snow Day

So, the university I attend has declared that school will be closed tomorrow due to snow (which has yet to even start to fall). Unfortunately due to my research, I won’t be able to enjoy any extra sleep on this impromptu day off which is just fucking fantastic.

Some tomorrow morning at 7am, when there is nearly a foot of snow on the ground I will be trudging through the snow to analyze the data from my research subjects.

What the fuck?

I’m beginning to realize I have no idea who I am/disassociated from any and all actual moral and principled stances/in whose corner I stood as a youth. Apathy has become the dominant mood, disconnection from my fellow man, and fear of their thieving eyes.

I’m Back!

After an extended absence from writing here, I have returned. I doubt anyone cared or noticed, but I do apologize to anyone who may have!

The semester ended with more of a whimper than a bang, and after drinking my own disappointment and making my best attempt to celebrate the accomplishments (in one class, in all other aspects of my first semester of graduate school I am largely proud of my performance) of my peers all in the same night and failing miserably, I returned to my childhood home for a some much needed R & R and promptly slept for the majority of the time I was there. Now, having returned to the university, and more importantly my own house, I am refreshed and have new ideas for things to write about.

As I am sure many of you are aware of, and may have dealt with yourself, the weather in pretty much the entire United States is absolute shit. A polar vortex has descended upon almost the entirety of the country (and contrary to the beliefs of some imbeciles does not, in any way controvert global warming) and snarled up air travel a good bit…

Anyway, after a long two days of travel I finally arrived home and got back to living my life. 

When I lived at in New York (which is where I grew up, I forget whether or not I’ve mentioned that), I was a complete neurotic mess;  I couldn’t go out in public without having ingested a benzodiazepine. Now, however, in my midwestern haven, I seem to have become something of a social person and have, in fact, had two very successful casual dating experiences (after having been a serial monogamist, despite my best efforts). 

This has turned into a post about nothing, with the exception of that last paragraph-type-thing or two, anyone who may have some insight as to why I seem to have completely changed my way of living, please share?

Hyperfrenetic, Chemically Manipulated Thoughts of a Stranger