I don’t know why I did it. I really don’t. I have no reason. My behavior is inexplicable. I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. The worst part though is that I hurt her.
On the day it all went wrong. When she discovered what I had done, I was distraught. I knew as I know now that I would never see her again. It broke me. And broken I remain. She was right when she wrote to me that I had some serious fucking issues, because I do.
I don’t know if it is luck or not, but the fact that I am capable of writing today is amazing…I tried to harm myself that day because I could not bare to look at myself in the mirror and I still can’t.
I don’t expect that she will ever forgive me, and she has every right to hate me forever. I just wish she knew how sorry I am that I threw away what we had for something that meant absolutely nothing.